Excuses
by JacksCoffeeBoy
Summary: Jack and Ianto have both hurt and been hurt in the past, but they can't keep making excuses and lying.


Diclaimer - If we owned Doctor Who OR Torchwood, do you really think we'd write fanfiction? I mean... come on! We'd be WAY too busy having fun on the set! 

Just so you don't get confused about who is who - Raven Sky Costello writes Jack, Hobbit 985 writes Ianto. This will be true of almost all of our fanfiction.

On to the story...

----

Jack had many excuses, for many things.

Like his excuse for needing a heavy duty cleaner. He'd said it was because he was cleaning up after a raunchy weekend. But he was cleaning up after shooting his brains out over the walls.

His excuse for flirting all the time. He said it was because he was constantly horny and needed to get laid way more than the seven times a week he said he does. What he really does it for is to cover up that he's in love and feels lonely.

His excuse for touching Ianto. He claimed that was just a joke between friends. It's his only way of touching the man he loves. That's the reality.

His excuse for letting Ianto back after the Lisa incident. He needed to keep the rest of the country safe from him, besides - it's only fair to give a guy who was blindly in love a second chance at life, isn't it? The real reason is more along the lines of not wanting to let Ianto go even though he knows there's no hope.

His excuse to himself for not even trying to be with Ianto. He doesn't want to try what he knows is impossible, and Ianto is most definitely straight. Even though there was the one time where Ianto was drunk out of his mind and wouldn't leave Jack's side, and ended up snogging him. Even though he's heard Tosh and Ianto discussing the finer parts of other men's asses. The real reason is that Jack doesn't want to get hurt, he doesn't want to have Ianto in his arms for one evening and then find out Ianto doesn't want him. Or to find out that Ianto is bored with him. Or to watch Ianto grow old and die on him. That's the real reason.

That's the reason for everything.

----

Ianto had many excuses for many things.

Like his excuse for the constant need to have things clean. He told the team when he first joined that he'd had the OCD need for cleanliness since he was a child and it was just one of those things. But the real reason was he was trying to wash away the knowledge that he loved an untouchable person. He always loved untouchable people. Lisa didn't count. His untouchable people were always men.

Like his excuse for putting up with Jack's flirting. He says it's because it's only joke and he finds it funny. But inside he lets it happen because he can pretend Jack means all the things he says, that he really loves Ianto.

Like his excuse to let the touches happen. They weren't anything more than Jack being overly friendly... or maybe not even that? Maybe where he lived this was completely normal? Either way Ianto said he let it happen because he didn't want to upset Jack. But he loved the thought that Jack's touches meant something, that they were reserved for him alone.

His excuse for working so hard after the Lisa incident. Not because he felt he'd done wrong (though he did admit after a while that Lisa was already dead when the team shot her) but because he wanted to regain Jack's trust. He couldn't bear to think the other man hated him.

His excuse for not pushing things with Jack. Ianto just doesn't want to get hurt and he knows that's all there will be if he tells Jack the truth. He doesn't want to find out for definite that there's no chance of his feelings ever being reciprocated.

----

Jack hid most things about himself. His excuse is that no one needs to know about his past. The truth is it hurts too much.

Like when he first met the Doctor, he refused to let him know who he really was. That wasn't because he wanted to stick to the con, but because he didn't want to fall for the Blue-Eyed man with a big nose and comfortable leather jacket.

Like when he turned up on Estelle's doorstep after so long. He said he was his own son, so he wouldn't have to deal with the pain of his long lost love knowing what and who he really was and being scared of him.

Like he hid his identity from Ianto and the team. He hid from them and - if he were truly honest - himself, so he wouldn't deal with the pain of knowing they feared him, or that they wondered when he would disappear from their lives.

Like he hid the true nature of his feelings from Ianto. He told himself that it would be a waste of time, that there was no point setting himself up for more hurt and that it was better to have a mindless, emotionless fuck with someone who wouldn't know him from Adam.

But a person can lie to themselves. Despite this, there was no place deep enough inside Jack to hide the fact that this time - with Ianto - might be the one time he lost his heart truly, madly, deeply and eternally. He daren't admit the idle thoughts of having lived through an eternity just to find Ianto's arms. Just to find true love. But, as they say, no man can hide his own thoughts from himself.

Jack tried anyway.

----

Ianto hid a lot about himself. He told himself that it was because he didn't want to talk about things like Lisa or his family... but the truth was, no one ever asked. No one seemed to care from where Ianto had sprung.

So he didn't bother to mention to people that his first partner had been his best friend. His best male friend. He didn't mention it because no one asked. It wasn't the sort of thing that cropped in conversation any other way.

He hid the abuse and the never ending years of pain, and the reason he'd even learnt to make coffee in the first place, because none of it was important. Not to the others.

He hid his feelings for Jack the deepest. Right in the recesses of his soul. The part he only accessed at home when he knew he was totally alone. There was no point letting them linger near the surface when it would only hurt more.

Of course he couldn't hide from himself. Couldn't hide from the fact that he knew Jack would never feel the same way about himself.

Ianto tried anyway.

----

Sometimes, Jack needed excuses for his actions.

Like with the bomb the first time he'd been in the Second World War. He'd said he'd done it because it was an order and he always obeyed that kind of order, and also that it was a favour for a friend. But that wasn't it. He didn't want to see Rose or the Doctor get hurt. And he needed to repent for his past transgressions.

Like with Jasmine. He'd seen what the faeries could do. They could rip Cardiff apart if need be. And that was his excuse. In reality, he recognised that she was no innocent, that she was lonely, that the only 'people' who would ever accept her as she is would be those faeries.

Like Estelle. He'd told Gwen that he returned to her to make sure she was okay. But it was to make sure she didn't grow lonely, and that she never thought he hadn't loved her. It was also because he loved her and wanted to be there for her like he should have been for her entire life.

Like with Abaddon. He'd said he did that because it was the right thing to do, and because it was the only way he knew to save every one. It was part truth. He'd hoped that it would kill him, so he could be saved as well.

Like with The Missing Year. He'd said he'd gone with the Doctor only to come back because he was looking for answers. In truth, he'd left because he couldn't bear to go back to not touching Ianto after that kiss. And he'd only returned because as much as he couldn't bear not touching, he couldn't bear not seeing more.

That was something he didn't make excuses for in himself.

----

Sometimes, Ianto needed excuses for his actions.

Like with Lisa. Ianto was pretty sure that every member of the team (including Owen) had been in love at some point in their lives, but they still didn't think this was enough of an excuse for him to hide her in the basement. So he said it was because he wanted to save her when in truth it was just that he didn't want to lose her.

Like with the Rift Machine. He'd told Owen that they couldn't use it because it could rip the world apart, had even gone as far as to say that Jack needed him. But Owen's jibe that Jack only needed Ianto in his sad wet dreams where he was the Captain's part time shag was enough to sow doubt and when they finally got Jack and Tosh back, he didn't hesitate to use the machine again.

This time he told himself that it was because he was determined to prove that Jack didn't rule his life. That he was still mad at him for killing Lisa. But in truth, he just wanted the crisis to be over so he could attempt to heal the rift in his relationship.

Sometimes excuses weren't enough.

----

Jack made excuses all the time.

So why should this be so difficult?

All he'd done was grab Ianto and kiss him. Ianto had been going to get some coffee and Jack had been unable to resist. It was simple really. All he'd needed to do was reach out his arms and pull the other man to him.

And it was so easy to rub himself to completion against Ianto's thigh. To say he loved him and wanted him. To kiss him again with passion.

Oh yes. It was easy to give in to his desires and wants and needs.

It was also easy to make excuses, to explain this situation away. But Jack wasn't trying.

Jack was tired of making excuses.

----

Ianto made excuses all the time.

But never for other people.

When Jack had grabbed him... when he'd... Well, Ianto had made up all sorts in his head. After all, Jack couldn't really want him could he? It was just attraction, nothing but physical attraction. He probably felt the same towards everyone but knew Ianto would be the only one to put up with it.

But Jack hadn't said anything. Hadn't said it was a mistake. So maybe..? But Ianto wouldn't let himself think that way. Not when his heart was on the line.

Ianto was tired of making excuses.

----

Jack knew that excuses were pointless.

He said this to Ianto, and told him the excuses he had made in the past, about him and all of his past loves.

He holds Ianto close after the kiss, surprised that he hasn't pulled away, that no excuses are being made.

He tells Ianto that he loves him. He tells Ianto that excuses do nothing but hurt them both. He tells Ianto that he's fed up of excuses, and that he's going to stand for his own actions for once, that he loves Ianto and would never willingly let him go. He promises to never make excuses to Ianto and to always tell him the truth.

As Jack throws excuses away, he gives the last remnants of his heart to Ianto.

----

Ianto knew that excuses were pointless.

He pointed this out after the kiss, surprised by his own daring to stay in Jack's arms and not pull away.

He tells Jack that he loves him. Tells him that excuses only hurt them both and that if they feel the same way they should just be honest. So he stands for his own actions, promises that he'll never let Jack go, that no matter what they'll be together, that he'll always tell the truth.

As Ianto throws excuses away, he gives the last remnants of his heart to Jack.


End file.
